TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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