Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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