just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
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Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
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For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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