I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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