my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
