i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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