The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
