im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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