There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
