i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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