By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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