I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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