Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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