She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
