turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
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I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
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I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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