and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
