Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
