The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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