I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
