I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
