I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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