I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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