I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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