John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
