I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
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You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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