I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
