stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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