Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
