alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
