He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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