Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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