i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
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It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
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I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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