I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
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i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
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Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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