I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
