you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
