you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
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