Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Randomize
