My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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