So drunk its hurt
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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