I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
