is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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