we're chasing vodka with high fives
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
