I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
