Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
