I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
