Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
