i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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