I will die if light touches me.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
