Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
