So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
