Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
