And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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