Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
