You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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