I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just blew my weed a kiss
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
