Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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