It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
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So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
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Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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