I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
